He clicked the intercom button, waited for the beep, and said, “Miss Andrade, can you cancel my eleven o’clock?
A short beep, then a response, “Sure, Mr. Miller. What reason should I provide?”
Spread out on the lopsided Ikea desk was a mountain of Sherdog and Tapology profiles and a moat of others encircling it on the floor that had toppled off. He shook his head at the thought of the impossible task ahead and sighed, “Tell them whatever you feel is best. I just have too many resumes for the vacant opening shift to go over.”
“Ok, Mr. Miller, I’ll handle it.”
It was at times like this that he wondered why he had wanted this position in the first place. How had he come to think taking on the department supervisor role while still being an active fighter wouldn’t create more work for himself?
He picked up a small stack of folders and rifled through them. Anthony Smith... tossed aside. Edson Barboza... tossed aside. Rob Font... Next. A new stack. Curtis Blaydes... Hmm. He set it on the “maybe” pile. Next. Neil Magny... Nah, they still needed him on swings. His eyebrows raised as he held up the next two side by side.
He clicked the intercom button, waited for the beep, and said, “Miss Andrade, can I have them fight for it?”
A short beep, then a response, “Who? Fight for what?”
He waited for the beep, “The applicants for the gatekeeper opening shift. Can they fight for it? Winner gets the position.”
A short beep, then a response, “Well, technically, you would be providing an equal opportunity, and I don’t see anything in the employee handbook that explicitly prohibits it.”
He steepled his fingers and, like Mr. Burns, said, “Excellent.” Into the intercom after the beep, he said, “Thank you, Miss Andrade. You can tell upper management the position should be filled by no later than Saturday.”
A short beep, then a response, “Will do. I’ll fire off an email ASAP.
With one giant sweep of his arm, he shoved the remaining profiles to the floor. All that remained were the two leading candidates, Vincente Luque and Rafael Dos Anjos.
Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.
Mr. Miller sat back in the Ikea office chair, kicked away from the desk, and squeaked all the way to the other end of the room. He stood up, grabbed the day’s three questions from the printer, and headed for his shift at the Bridge of Death.
Main Card
Vicente Luque (Even) vs. Rafael Dos Anjos (-125)
Luque: DK: $8k | Anjos: DK:$8.2k
Since Donald Cerrone’s retirement last year, there has been an opening at the Bridge of Death for a first-shift gatekeeper. It’s a coveted spot, in early/out early, and there’s been no shortage of applicants. There’s no fighter more qualified than Rafael Dos Anjos, who’s been fighting in the UFC since video games were still one hundred twenty-eight bits. Now we have VR goggles and AI that can do anything from write a senior thesis to clean your ass. AI-assisted bidets. And up until April of 2022, Vicente Luque was a quiet 14-3 in the UFC, dating back to his debut in 2015. But Luque’s title hopes took a big hit in the past calendar year with back-to-back L’s to Belal Muhammad and Geoff Neil.
So, we are left with two members of the League of Super Veterans with plenty left in the tank, and who are tough tests for any young up-and-coming fighters looking to break into the top ten. Gatekeepers. But I don’t use the term “Gatekeeper” as a pejorative; I use it as the ultimate sign of respect for having achieved something more difficult in this sport than a world title, longevity. Six Degrees of Vicente Luque and Rafael Dos Anjos: These two have been in the game for so long that it is said all fighters are six or fewer opponents away from a connection with Luque and Dos Anjos. But although it took almost a decade for their paths to cross, the biggest win of their careers was over a common opponent, Father Time.
Cue “Cinderella Man” by Eminem: “Spit a rhyme to freeze a clock, take the hands of time and cuff ‘em.”
When Rafael Dos Anjos won the title against Anthony Pettis, he was one of the scariest strikers in the game. He kicked the shit outta Prime Nate Diaz’s legs to earn a title shot and KO’d Prime Donald Cerrone in just over a minute to defend the belt. This guy is the Ultimate Gus Fring striker; the left side of his body turns people to ash like Pompei. He has a mini Cro Cop left round kick and short overhands and hooks heavier than guilt. Vintage Dos Anjos would set his left kick on repeat with the ten-second anti-skip button activated and kick opponents' arms until they went back to their corner looking like Red after his bike was stolen. “He ‘gone cry in the car.” One of the biggest travesties in the UFC's history is that we never saw Dos Anjos fight McGregor at one-fifty-five. He was a perfect matchup for Prime Conor McGregor and likely McGregor’s kryptonite at the time.
But now Dos Anjos has a Zorro mustache and relies mostly on his wrestling game. He's been on that Corey Sandhagen shit. Dos Anjos has always implemented wrestling in his game plans, but he was more willing to stand before he jumped to welterweight. Dos Anjos has an excellent power wrestling game and sleep paralysis top control; when he gets you down, there is little hope of getting up. His special move is the arm triangle from the top; he will attack it constantly, and it’s a choke that is easy to get caught in during a transition.
The keys for Dos Anjos against Luque will be leg kicks and takedowns. Dos Anjos is the Bone Collector; there are hundreds of tibias and fibulas in a trophy case in his living room. When it comes to the lower calf kick, Dos Anjos was one of the first to make it a staple in his repertoire after Jim Miller was credited with its discovery. Luque’s biggest weakness is his takedown defense; he rocks a sixty-percent career takedown defense, and Dos Anjos averages two takedowns per fifteen minutes. Dos Anjos has to test Luque’s wrestling prowess early and look to steal rounds with late takedowns because it will likely be fairly even on the feet. For his career, Dos Anjos is 32-14 with five TKO/KOs and eleven subs. His path to a finish will be on the mat, looking to bait Luque into an arm triangle or giving up his back.
Vicente Luque is the ultimate pocket gunslinger, a Roland Deschain. Luque doesn’t live in the pocket; he dwells in it; he’s Smeagol in that bish. Luque’s boxing is tight and technical, and he likes to fight in a box. Whenever you try to escape from the box, he cuts you off, corralling you with hooks and peppering round kicks. His “Get Over Here!” special move is the two-three (cross-hook), and Luque keeps his elbows tucked tight to the body, which allows him to throw short, crisp strikes that travel along the quickest path to the target. But Luque’s trademark is that he never ever takes a step back; he fights on a ledge. “Step back from that ledge, my friend.”
Grab the Jerry Rice compression socks. Leg kick the leg kicker. Luque is also an excellent leg kicker. These guys might run around the Octagon like a couple of Dale and Brennan stepbrothers giving each other Charlie horses. For both fighters, the best way to neutralize a leg kicker is to kick their legs too. Most prominent leg-kickers are terrible at defending them. Luque’s biggest red flags are a lack of head movement, and he struggles against southpaws. Ted Williams’s head has better movement than Vicente Luque. Where’s Edmond Tarverdyan when you need him? “Head movement! Head movement!” Three of Luque’s last four losses came to a southpaw, and Belal fights out of both stances, so it could technically be all four. And Dos Anjos is a southpaw like Jake Gyllenhaal.
Luque is 21-9 for his career with eleven TKO/KOs and eight subs. I’m getting Kevin Holland vs. Michael Chiesa vibes here. Luque is handy with D’arce/Anaconda chokes which act as natural takedown repellents. If Dos Anjos gets lazy and stalls on a takedown, Luque can snatch his neck. Like Holland, Luque also beat Chiesa with an Anaconda choke. Fantasy-wise, Luque is the higher-output striker, averaging five and a half strikes to Dos Anjos’ three and a half. Both fighters are finishing threats, but I think Luque’s power makes him a bigger threat on the feet, and it might be a push on the mat, but Dos Anjos operates out of the top position more.
Rafael Dos Anjos is a slight (-120) favorite, and I imagine that reflects Dos Anjos’ ground game and Luque’s lack of takedown defense. Luque is coming in at even money, which makes this a virtual pick ‘em. Dos Anjos’ game plan will likely lead to a decision, and I think Luque will have to finish the fight because he will have to make up for time lost on his back. A Dos Anjos TKO/KO will return (+650), and a sub (+400). A Luque TKO/KO will return (+250), and a sub (+450). The main event winning streak sits at six and eleven of the last twelve. But even with all that momentum, I have no inkling who will win this one. But I’m gonna ride the Kevin Holland vibe. Vicente Luque via D’arce choke, round three. On wax.
Winner: Vicente Luque | Method: D’arce Choke Rd.3