“It’s a celebration, b***hes!” I’ve spent the last twenty-four hours setting dumpsters on fire, turning over cop cars, bathing in confetti, and eating handfuls of horse shit like an Eagles fan. Now I sit before you in an Amazon gaming chair like Randy Marsh after erupting like Mt. Saint Helens and covering himself and his surroundings in ectoplasm when he finally found a little bit of internet after a Grapes of Wrath journey to Californiway.
The ‘72 Dolphins; the only perfect season ever recorded in NFL history. Don Larson’s perfect game in the ‘56 World Series; the only solo perfect game ever thrown in a World Series game. Mary Lou Retton’s perfect ten on the vault and floor routine catapulted her to an all-around gold medal in 1984. Floyd Mayweather’s perfect 50-0 career record, topping the previous unbeaten mark of 49-0, set by Rocky Marciano. Now there is a new epitome of perfection, the ‘23 Weekly KO unblemished 13-0 pick ‘em for UFC on ESPN 51 Luque vs. Dos Anjos.
Last night, we penetrated the annals of history (annal, not anal). We did what the ‘07 Patriots couldn’t; we closed the deal. Glengarry Glen Ross, ABC: Always Be Closing. We closed the deal like Grey Goose and Armani Acqua Di Gio. I say “we” because I could never have done it without those reading this now, those that have rocked with me for the last three years and never lost faith in the ultimate prize...
It has been a Kit Carson arduous journey, but it’s funny; as I sit here covered in ectoplasm, it feels more like a beginning than a culmination. I’ve been asked, will the feat be accomplished ever again? To that, I say this: Will the Dallas Cowboys ever win another Super Bowl? Probably not in our lifetimes, even if you were born ten minutes ago. But the pursuit won’t stop. Perfection is like the spice mélange; a single taste foments addiction, an addiction whose withdrawal is fatal.
There’s only one thing left to say: I’m the best there is, plain and simple. I wake up in the morning, and I piss excellence. I’m just a big, hairy American winning machine. If you ain’t first, you’re last. This blunt is for all the believers and more importantly, the nonbelievers. And this bowl is for the homies and more importantly, the haters. Put it in the air. Ooh wee! 13-0!
Main Card
Aljamain Sterling (-255) vs. Sean O’Malley (+210)
Aljo: DK: $8.9k | Sugar: DK:$7.3k
Cue “Smoke Two Joints” by Sublime.
“Sugar” Sean O’Malley is back, aka, The Weedples Champ, aka, The Great Stoned Hype, aka, The Blunt, the Joint, and the Thrift Wardrobe. When you're talking top shelf and fisticuffs, O'Malley wants all the smoke, bogart. Puff, puff, never pass. O’Malley is on the cusp of going from a stoner to a stoner with a gold belt. Greatness was always O’Malley’s destiny; in 2017, he reached the pinnacle of his field after just one appearance on the Contender Series when he shared a joint with Snoop Dogg after the fight. Since that day, O'Malley has accumulated an 8-1-1 record in the UFC and is poised to summit the upper echelon of the fight game and achieve greatness in a second field. This Saturday night, O’Malley will pull out all the stems and throw seeds to the wind when he looks to disrupt the Aljamain Sterling ass groove that has been set firmly into the cushions of the iron throne for the past two years.
They fail to tell you in ninth grade Algebra the only equation you need to know in life is:
Length + Speed = Ass Whooping's
No two things are more difficult to overcome in striking sports. I’d rather fight The Mountain than a skilled guy built like Screech, aka Dustin Diamond—Dustin Poirier needs to get on that nickname since it’s not in use anymore. You snooze, you lose. O’Malley is one of the best examples of using every inch of your range. When you’re at the customer service desk and ask to speak to a manager, you holler at Sean O’Malley, the District Distance Manager. The two keys to managing range are lateral movement and the jab. O’Malley skirts the outside of the pocket behind a forcefield of jabs and uses L/R button jukes to freeze the opponent’s feet when he gets trapped against the cage. Straight lines killed the kickboxing star. When it comes to striking, moving in straight lines and moving in circular patterns separates the good from the great. Perpetual lateral movement is O’Malley’s best trait, and it will come in handy two-fold against Aljo. Lateral movement not only allows O’Malley to set up angles of attack and escape, but it will also make it difficult for Aljo to set his feet and level change.
When it comes to the stand-up, O’Malley will be the overall more technical and intricate striker. He has repeated-the-first-grade-three-times-stupid hand speed and varies the tempo of his attacks, flowing between peppering high percentage strikes and heavy power punches. But none of that matters if he can’t get back to his feet when Aljo takes him down. And Aljo will take him down. More important than takedown defense are get-ups. O’Malley has better get-ups from his back than he does takedown defense, and he has an excellent active guard. The key for O’Malley will be getting back to his feet without giving up his back, especially when against the cage. O’Malley has spent time competing individually in grappling tournaments throughout the years, and his Jiu-Jistu is highly underrated. He can hold his own with Aljo on the mat as long as he doesn’t give up his back.
Aljo is a specialist, a back specialist. Doctor said I need a backiotomy. If he achieves the back mount, you will either be tapping shortly after or staying in that position for the rest of the round. What you won’t do is get back to your feet. Every path Aljo takes on the mat leads to the back mount, and when he gets it, the round is automatically conceded. This isn’t always a fan-friendly style and is the reason why all Aljo fights are ugly. Steve Buscemi ugly. Ugly like stag dates at the prom. Yes, ugly like Li Jingliang, aka, The Hunchback of UFC. Aljo fights are like a Rorschach test; you can’t make sense of them no matter how you look at them. There’s no consistent flow/pace; the cadence is stop-and-go like Morse Code, and Aljo opponents always struggle to find their rhythm.
Aljo’s striking is very rigid and boxy. It looks like when you play the UFC game for the first time and you’re trying to figure out the buttons; it’s just a hotch-potch of single strikes. But, what Aljo lacks in technical ability, he more than makes up for with pace. And, like O’Malley, Aljo constantly circles and pot-shots from the outside. He also uses range well and has an underrated, heavy kicking game. Aljo is no TLC scrub on the feet, but he isn't the smooth striker that O’Malley is. The key for Aljo will be to take a nug from his teammate’s (Merab Dvalishvili) sack and set takedowns on repeat. Straight takedown simpin’. Always go full Merab. O’Malley slowed down late in the Petr Yan fight; he didn’t gas out, but his movement suffered halfway through, and he became easier to hit. Aljo has to make him burn energy early, defending takedowns and scrambling back to his feet. If he can do that, the Championship rounds could be all Aljo.
The numbers: O’Malley is 16-1 for his career with eleven TKO/KOs and one sub. He will be the much higher output striker, averaging nearly seven and a half SLpM to Aljo’s just over four and a half. Aljo is 23-3 with three TKO/KOs and eight subs. When it comes to finishes, you have to throw out Aljo’s numbers. On paper, he’s a fifty percent finisher, but unless he’s facing a pure wrestling/grappling specialist like Henry Cejudo, he will always be a massive submission threat. And that will be the case against O’Malley. Five of O’Malley’s eight wins in the UFC came via TKO/KO, but his path to victory isn’t finish-or-bust; he can outpoint Aljo on the feet if the takedown well dries up on Aljo. An O’Malley decision will return (+1800), and a TKO/KO (+330). An Aljo submission will return (+150). Aljo will be the (-250) favorite, and O’Malley will be the (+210) junkyard dog lying in wait behind a rusted-out Studebaker, waiting for some UPS man’s ass to bite. Fantasy-wise, O’Malley should spend enough time on the feet to hit some significant striking numbers even in a loss, and Aljo landed one hundred thirty-five strikes in his last bout against Cejudo.
So here we are. The main event-winning streak sits at seven, and the overall pick ‘em streak sits at fifteen. F the odds, this one feels like a toss-up to me. Both will have distinct advantages in their areas of expertise. When in doubt, I always heed the great Bob Barker’s words of advice: Help control the pet population; have your pets spayed or neutered. Well, how can I do that if I don’t have a dog? Sean O’Malley via TKO, round three. On wax. And to my homies who be actin’ too bold, take a seat. Hope you ready for the next episode. Hey-hey-hey-hey.
Winner: Sean O’Malley | Method: TKO Rd.3